smoking

photo by Lara May.

I'm trying to decide if I miss smoking or not. I don't crave cigarettes, per se, but I often miss the experience of smoking. I miss the act of deciding 'yes, I would like a cigarette now', whether it was to relax, or take a break, or chat up a cute boy. I miss pulling out a cigarette from my amazing silver jolly roger cigarette case. I miss coyly asking a young man for a light, even with my lighter buried in my bag. I miss the first, brilliant, deep breath, and the smoke filling my lungs, the nicotine coursing through my blood. I miss exhaling through my nose, and attempting (and failing) to make smoke rings. I miss the social aspect of smoking with mates, having special 'smokers' conversations, as you obviously can't smoke indoors where the rest of your non-smoking mates are. I miss accidentally lighting a cigarette backwards because I'm too drunk to realise otherwise. I miss going onto a balcony, or courtyard, or backyard, to have to light up. I miss smacking a new pack against my palm, and opening up the packaging. I miss laughing at the messages and pictures on the packs to convince us why we shouldn't smoke. I miss being a smoker, what that entails, how that identifies you.

But all in all, I don't miss smoking one bit. The whole concept of paying a company I despise to poison my own body really does just seem mad. You are truly powerless to the control it has over you. I decided, after 2 and a bit years of smoking, that I no longer wanted to be a smoker. And I better quit while I still had the power to do so. All of my parents smoked when I was a child. And despite numerous (innumerable in fact) attempts to quit, they all still smoke. I didn't want that to be me. I didn't want to set that example for my kids, and I didn't want to punish my body like that. I am learning to take pride in my body, and what it can do for me, and smoking is one of the most disrespectful things you can do to it. So yes, I do still crave cigarettes, I do miss the comfortable routine of smoking, how it relaxes me, how it helps me in social situations, but everyday, I thank myself for not punishing my body like that anymore.

But man oh man, a fag sure does taste bloody fantastic!